My View on My Future and Retrospect

I was having dinner (soba, mmm tastes so good) with my family and my mom started talking about how she had a crush on this one middle school classmate, with whom she's currently having an email exchange with (some middle school reunion) or something, and my parents started talking about their middle and high school life in Japan.  My mom said she didn't really like middle school because her grades were low.  I was shocked at hearing this, and I asked her why grades would affect her middle school life so significantly, in which she replied that if an adult's occupation is work, then a student's would be school, and if the student doesn't do so well, it's analogous to an adult doing poorly at the workplace.  I realized that this was somewhat true for me as well, because I really enjoyed middle school (oddly enough) and my grades were high because middle school graded on effort and stuff.  My dad said that he did well in middle school but didn't do so well in high school, because he was over-concerned about his future and how to view life in general (if you've been through this stage in life, you'd know very well how frustrating this can be) and that this impeded his academic life.  I went through a similar stage (actually, I'm kind of going through it still now) during freshman year at high school and it was very unpleasant.  But I told my dad that even though I was uncertain about my future and how I should live school life, my general policy was to keep good grades (sounds nerdy, I know, but grades affect so many people's ego so much) so despite going through a semi-depression (I had lost my friends, Vice Presidency, artistic trademark, etc when I transfered districts and that proved to be catastrophic for my ego) I kept my grades up.  I'm not sure if I regret doing that instead of focusing on friends and other things, but I that's what I did.

Bleh, that didn't come out as how I wanted it to.  Restart.

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I kind of realize now that during middle school, despite me not having a GF while both my friends from elementary school did (I didn't care for GFs at the time I guess) and despite me being picked last almost always for football teams during lunch, I had a big ego.  This was because I had a lot of friends (even though who they were changed from time to time), few enemies, no frenemies (so common in high school, especially among over achievers, not even funny), was VP during 8th grade, had very little trouble making friends 5th grade (my middle school was 5th-8th), had a 4.0, asked smartass questions to teachers, and was pretty much considered the most artistic student in the school (or at least I that's what I thought).  When asked my dream job, I put something like "I want to have a job no one has ever had" on the paper, I seriously thought I was going to get into Stanford, Harvard, all the Ivy's, even Oxford, you name it, with relative ease, and even though my personality wasn't douchey, I had a pretty douchey ego (kinda conflicting, I know... by ego, I mean something like what I think of myself, or more lie pride in self I guess).  I even spent my spare time thinking up plans for how to create a Utopian world when I became high chancellor or something.

So when I hit high school and realized that I wasn't the only smart guy on the planet, that in fact I was a mediocre among the over achievers, my ego collapsed, and with no friends to back me up and no adults besides my parents that would recognize my obvious genius (ha), I hit semi-depression.  I would literally cry during the night out of self pity.  On top of this, I had this crush on a girl who was way out of my zone, and this made me feel like I was a total loser, a gollum chasing after a ring that obviously didn't belong to him.

Through this experience, I began to seriously reconsider life (I even considered ending it... stupid me).  I braced myself for what college would be like, a thousand times more devastating compared to my middle to high school transition if I kept up this ignorant view of my future.  Instead of putting "becoming world ruler" or "very influential person" as my goal, I focused on something more practical, like becoming an engineer or industrial designer.  I broke and rebuilt myself (rather, my mindset) during freshman year, tearing down a gleaming and structurally unsound palace and constructing a more sound and humble cottage (but still flexible... I haven't lost all of my optimism yet).

And all through this, I managed to pull off a 4.0.  Now, the main focus here isn't my grades.  It's the fact that I could focus on something so insignificant when I felt like my life was shattering before my eyes.  Maybe it was the fact that my life was shattering that I focused on something so mundane, the last string that held me back from falling into limbo and whatever was down there, whether it be drugs, depression, delinquency, or suicide.

Looking back at this horrible but life/mind saving experience and looking at those who remain overoptimistic/slightly egotistical, I envy and pity them at the same time.  They have yet to experience what I and many other students undoubtly have, and to an extent, it's somewhat like retaining innocence.  Although I don't necessarily view myself as more mature than them, I believe hard experiences and depressing stages or life are somewhat enlightening.  I realize that I'm probably going to go through more of these experiences as life progresses.  Though I certainly can't say I'm looking forward to them, it will be interesting how they change me, for the better, for the worse, or both.

God that was a shitty ending.  Anyways, done with my long-ass blogrant that no one will ever read.